


Letters to Sirius

by NeonDomino



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Hogwarts, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Professor Remus Lupin, Professor Sirius Black, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25294252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonDomino/pseuds/NeonDomino
Summary: Remus Lupin has been writing letters to Sirius since he was sixteen. He's never sent them, instead he's kept them hidden them away. Sirius knows that there's something wrong with Remus and is determined to find out what. Set after the final battle.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 67





	Letters to Sirius

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2014

* * *

Every night was the same for Remus Lupin. He would have dinner, before returning to his rooms to grade papers, check out his lesson plans for the next day, help with patrols and finally help himself to the Firewhiskey.

It was hard enough to sit next to Sirius during meals, or even share a Hogsmeade trip with him, but when Sirius would grab his arm, he'd pull away. When Sirius tried to hug him, Remus would be the first to let go.

He also couldn't go near Sirius' rooms.

In the daytime it was easier to manage, but the evenings were different. Rooms had bedrooms, and if he found himself in Sirius' rooms, he could potentially make an utter fool out of himself.

He could give away his biggest secret, and he could lose the most important person in his life. He had already lost him and couldn't go through another loss.

He brought the bottle to his lips. He no longer bothered with a glass with ice like he used to, back when he counted the glasses. When the bottle was half finished, he sat down with his quill and parchment. It wasn't often he felt the need to write, but sometimes everything got too much to handle. Writing gave him the slightest release and made it almost bearable.

When he had finished, the letter was placed in the envelope with the many others. The first one dated back when he was sixteen. It was the only way he could cope with his feelings for his best friend. He opened the drawer and shoved the envelope back inside.

He woke up the next morning, not remembering how he got to bed.

* * *

"I don't know what to do, I'm worried, Mione," Sirius said, as he joined Hermione to do rounds, the Head Boy heading back to his dorms.

"A whole bottle again?" Hermione asked, and Sirius nodded.

"How can I stop this? Remus doesn't talk to me as much as before, he won't confide in me. I've even asked him to come and join me in my rooms in the evenings, hoping that sitting with me might stop him drinking. He won't come to my room at all. He just makes excuses."

"Usually I wouldn't suggest invading someone's privacy, but maybe when he's not there, you could check his rooms and see if you can find evidence of whats upsetting him?"

Sirius nodded. "Maybe tomorrow night you could distract him?"

"I'll do my best," Hermione replied. "I'll tell him I wanted to discuss the changes made in the Werewolf Legislation that Kingsley released?"

Sirius walked Hermione back to Gryffindor tower before heading back to his own room. He checked over the assignments he had set, and made sure he was ready for the next day, before he looked at the time.

Almost midnight. Remus would most likely be passed out by now.

He hoped not.

He headed into Remus' rooms, finding him on the sofa. The bottle of Firewhiskey was on the floor next to him, inches from his hand, where it had rolled away.

Sirius carefully pulled his friend to his feet, and led him to the bedroom. The drunk man swayed, and Sirius pulled a potion from his pocket, and put it to Remus' lips, coaxing him to drink it.

"Sirius?" came a slurred voice.

"Yeah, it's me. You're drunk again, Moony," he replied, softly.

"Doesn't matter, you're here," Remus replied, as Sirius coaxed him into laying down, pulled his shoes off, and pulled the covers over him.

"Go to sleep," Sirius said.

"Stay?" Remus mumbled, nuzzling against Sirius' leg when Sirius sat next to him.

"Of course," he replied, stroking the Werewolf's hair as Remus drifted off to sleep.

Once Remus was fast asleep, Sirius stood up and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. It was the most he could ever hope for. He would search Remus' rooms the next evening.

* * *

Sirius watched the pair walk away from Remus' rooms. "The changes in the legislation have made such a difference. Before, Werewolves were only required to be paid minimum wage, but now..."

Sirius couldn't hear them anymore, and he watched as they turned at the end of the corridor.

Sirius let himself into Remus' room. He searched through Remus' stuff, carefully putting everything back how he found it. He couldn't find a diary, and wondered if Remus stopped keeping one. He was always writing in it at Hogwarts, and Sirius even saw him with it in their shared flat after Hogwarts. He had stolen it on occasion, but had never been able to guess the password.

Surely Remus didn't give up writing down everything. That wasn't the Remus he knew. There had to be something.

He finished looking in the bedroom, and moved towards the desk, finding a locked drawer. It took only seconds for him to open it, knowing which spells Remus liked to use. The only thing of interest in the drawer (besides a large supply of chocolate) was an envelope with _Sirius_ written on it.

He tried to open it, but it was spelled shut.

"Alohomora," he whispered.

It didn't work. It would need a password.

He took the envelope and slid it into his robes. Finding nothing else of importance, he cast a spell to remove his scent from the rooms, before heading back to his own rooms.

* * *

Sirius sat in his rooms for two hours trying password after password, with no results. What was in that envelope and why did it have his name written on it? He could tell that there was a lot of parchment in there, and the writing on the front was Remus' handwriting. Was it supposed to be sent to him?

_What was the password?_

He went through all Remus' favourite things. His favourite sweets, chocolate, brand of tea, books, anything he could think of, but he couldn't work out the password.

"Sirius?" came a voice in the fire, and he turned towards it. "I hope I gave you enough time, I had the boys set something up in the dungeons, so he's only just dropped me back at the tower."

"Yes, thank you, Kitten, I've been in there. I found something. I don't know if it has to do with him, but... well, I'm not sure."

"What is it?"

"An envelope with my name on it. It needs a password. I've guessed all Remus' favourite things, but nothing is working. It reminds me of when I used to try and read his diary. Never quite worked out the password for that either."

Hermione frowned in thought. Remus had something addressed to Sirius. Remus had written something for Sirius... or more than one thing. What could it be? Why would someone write and not send the letters?

One thought came to her mind. She would find out soon enough if she was right.

"If its got your name on it, who says this is about Remus? Maybe you should try Sirius Black... or Padfoot?"

Sirius said his name, but nothing happened. His nickname, however, worked.

"Did you try those with the diary?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, now I realise that I should have done." He glanced down at the letters. "Maybe if this doesn't pan out, I'll check again for the diary."

"Really, out of all Remus' favourite things, you didn't guess his best friend?" Hermione asked him.

"I'm not sure I'm his best friend, he won't come near me anymore," Sirius said, sadly.

"You are. Haven't you noticed that he always seeks you out, no matter where he is. Maybe he just struggles to show it, especially after everything that happened. So, what's in the envelope?"

Sirius pulled the parchment out carefully.

"Letters," he replied. "Just letters."

"Read one."

Sirius' eyes moved to the date on the top one. It was recent, and he picked up the pile to take the letter from the bottom. That would be the first one.

"This is dated years ago. In fact we were... sixteen at the time."

Sirius silently read the letter.

_'Sirius._

_Well done, you done it. Not only do you invade my every waking moment, you've decided to take over my nights too. My dreams are full of you, and I've stopped suspecting that this is a prank that you and James have conducted, which has gone wrong._

_Because if this was a prank, I don't think you'd ever plan to put dreams like this in my head. Dreams about me and you together. Intimately together, to be precise. It's wrong of me to think of you like this, you're one of my best friends, but I can't stop fantasising about my dreams each time I look at you._

_I'm not gay. I like witches, or I did until I noticed you, but I don't dream about them how I dream about you._

_I hope this stops soon, so we can go back to normal, because I know my heart shouldn't beat so hard when you hug me, or my struggle to breath properly when you grab my hand to drag me around Hogsmeade, and your voice shouldn't send shivers down my spine._

_Remus.'_

"What does it say?" Hermione asked, taking in Sirius' shocked expression.

"Hold on," he whispered, turning back to the pile.

_'Sirius,_

_How have you not noticed. How have i managed to keep this secret all these years? How have I managed to pretend that I see you as my best friend, when I see you as so much more. The man I would die for, the one I would do anything for. The only person I would never be able to say 'no' to?_

_I spent so many years without you, but I spent every night of it thinking of you. I never dreamt you'd come back. You still have the same power over me as you did when I realised my feelings at sixteen, and realised that it was love at nineteen, and throughout the time you were away, I still loved you, and the moment I saw you in the shack, I realised that I would never stop._

_You've always been there when I needed you, and the only time you weren't there was through no fault of your own. You've helped me accept my condition, and showed me that I don't have to be isolated. Almost all of my personal demons were fought with you by my side, but you don't realise that since I've fallen in love with you, you've become the biggest personal demon I'll ever have to face. One that I'll never be able to escape from, or overcome, because you're one that I'll never want to let go._

_One that causes me more pain than anything, and it's killing me._

_It's killing me to be so close to you but not be able to touch you how I want. When you hug me, I have to pull away, because if I let myself relax in your arms, I'll never let go of you. When you invite me to your rooms, I can't go because I'd never want to leave. I have to remember to maintain the line between friendship, because I don't want to do something stupid and lose my best friend._

_You are my world, and I can't even tell you, because you would never feel the same way about me._

_There's only one way I can get rid of these feelings, and when I've finished all my duties, teaching, grading, rounds, lesson-planning, I reach for the Firewhiskey because it stops me thinking about you. It stops the pain, the agony, the torment of not having you._

_Because if I forget for that night, I won't do anything stupid._

_Because you can't possibly love me in return. Not in the same way I love you, and not in the same way I desperately want you to._

_Remus.'_

"Remus has been in love with me since we were sixteen," Sirius announced, shocked. A grin spreading across his face. "This is brilliant. He loves me. My Remus loves me."

"I'll leave you to it. Good luck," Hermione said, as she realised that Sirius was excited because he felt the same. She couldn't stop smiling at him. "Get in there before he gets drunk."

Sirius watched Hermione disappear, before making his way towards Remus' room. Remus answered, and Sirius' eyes darted past him to see the bottle had barely been touched. Good, Remus was still sober.

"You never join me, so i thought for once I'd join you," Sirius said, walking past before Remus could refuse him. He put the firewhiskey away, and called for a house-elf.

When the house elf appeared, he grinned at her. "Can we have some hot-chocolate, maybe some chocolate or chocolate cake. Anything chocolate really, Remus isn't fussy."

With a bow, she disappeared, and Remus sat down on the sofa.

"Take a seat," he offered, and Sirius dropped down next to him.

"So, we need to talk about why I've had to come in here every night and get you into bed?"

Remus' jaw dropped. "You've been putting me to bed?"

Sirius nodded.

"Why?"

The house elf returned with the food and drinks.

"Thank you, Winky," Remus said.

"Because you mean too much to me to leave you slumped over the sofa or the desk," Sirius explained.

Remus sipped his drink. He didn't want to talk about his drinking, and it never affected his day to day life. He didn't even know that Sirius knew about it.

"Remus, you mean a lot to me, and I won't see you destroy yourself like this."

"I'm not destroying myself," Remus replied. "It's not affecting my job, nor is it affecting my relationships with anyone. I'm still grading papers, planning and preparing lessons, and even doing additional rounds. I've been setting up tutoring sessions for the students that missed the last year, and -"

"But what have you done for yourself? You've been helping everyone else, returning to your room and drinking until you pass out. Something is wrong, please talk to me, let me help you with your drinking problem?"

A hand rested on Remus'.

"It's only a drinking problem if it affects my life. It hasn't done so far."

"And what would you do if it was me?"

"If it wasn't affecting your life..."

"So you'd leave me to drink myself into oblivion each night?" Sirius asked. "Because I know that you wouldn't. I know you'd intervene. I'm positive you'd stop me."

"Why are you here, Sirius? Just to go on about my apparent drinking problem?"

"I guess I care too much," Sirius replied, softly. "I really care about you, Remus. Always have."

Remus didn't answer, he turned to the cake, not able to resist any longer, and pulled his hand away from Sirius' to grab some cake. As he ate, he was aware of eyes on him.

"You've got a bit of chocolate cake on your lips," Sirius muttered, his finger stroking his lip, removing the crumb. The finger travelled to his own mouth, and Remus stared at him in shock. Did that just happen?

"This tastes good," Sirius mumbled. "Would you mind if I helped myself to the other slice?"

Without waiting for an answer he picked up the cake, and brought it to his lips, seductively licking the crumbs away after each bite. Remus was frozen, his cake in his own hand halfway to his own mouth.

Sirius sucked the chocolate off his own fingers, before finally turning back to Remus.

"Aren't you going to eat that?" He asked, and Remus ate his own cake, his eyes moving away from Sirius.

When he had finished, he looked back at Sirius. Was Sirius sitting closer to him than before?

"You've got chocolate on your fingers," Sirius said, and Remus reached for a napkin.

"That's a massive waste of chocolate," Sirius said, his hand blocking the napkins, and Remus was speechless. His fingers moved to his mouth, sucking the chocolate off, and he couldn't determine the look on Sirius' face.

"Right, I'm quite tired, I think it's best you go to your rooms," Remus said, looking away. He was clearly reading things that weren't there. He was setting himself up to get hurt.

"Or I could stay here?" Sirius offered.

"Because you don't trust me not to drink?"

"Because I hate that we barely spend time together. All I want to do is be around you. I don't like this distance between us."

"I don't know what you're talking -"

"You do," Sirius said. "But it's all going to change. Remus, didn't you ever ask yourself why I always hugged you? Why I'd find any reason to grab your hand, like in Hogsmeade, when we both know you would follow me to whatever shops I went to? Do you want me to leave? I hope not, because I want you to ask me to stay, more than anything."

"Why do you want to stay with me?" Remus asked, his voice shaking. There was the smallest bit of hope now, though Remus fought against it.

"Because I'm in love with you," Sirius admitted. "Because I'm sick of you pulling away when I try to wrap my arms around you. I always assumed that you knew how I felt, and didn't feel the same, but tonight I learnt something."

"What?" Remus asked, unsure if he misheard Sirius. Was this real?

Sirius pulled the envelope out of his robes.

"I learnt that you feel the same way as I do."

Remus stared at the envelope in his hands for a long time. If Sirius had managed to read the letters, he'd know the truth and Remus didn't have the energy to make excuses.

"I only read the first and last one, I'm sorry I invaded your privacy, but I've been out of my mind trying to work out what was wrong so I could make things better. I love you, Remus, and I always have."

"I...I love you too, Sirius," Remus whispered.

"Please get help with this drinking," Sirius begged. "I can't let you destroy yourself any longer."

Remus nodded, defeated. He knew he had a problem. He knew he had to get over it.

"I only drink because I need -"

"I know," Sirius interrupted. "I was doing the same before Azkaban. I'll help you through it, I promise."

Remus felt Sirius' hand take his. Sirius stroked it softly, before pulling him up from the sofa. Strong arms wrapped around Remus and held him close, and they clung to each other for a long time.

He didn't hesitate when Sirius finally took his hand again, and led him to the bedroom, their lips finally meeting on the way.

* * *

_Hours later, two exhausted wizards fell asleep in each others arms._

* * *


End file.
